Two careers. The first for 10 years, the 2nd 15 years. And then....I quit. I just up and walked away from my 15+ year career. I was good. Boy howdy, was I ever good at what I did. (DID?! past tense)
It wasn't easy being good. I lost a lot of myself to them. I was someone different when I was there. Most of the time I was someone I was really proud of. But, there were moments I would rather forget. I don't regret them. But, I would like to FORget them. Forward. Always forward.
For two weeks and three days I have been a full time Mom. Weirdo-ness. Who am I? Who cares? What do I do first? What do I do last? Why & to whom does it even matter. Yes. It matters to me. (Seriously, what a crock of shit that is. it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks. it only matters what YOU think.
HahaBullshitHa!
I have talked with the boys' teachers at school multiple times in the last 2.3 weeks and feel like I am a complete and utter failure as a mother. Awesome. I really thought I knew what I was doing. Turns out the ONLY thing I was doing was cheating my kids and depriving them of an education. (wait? isn't that the TEACHERS job?)
Boy3 wont speak with the adults at school because he's afraid of them and their reactions. No trust. My fault. I haven't had time to build the rapport that I should have. He is smart, his ADD is an advantage I wish he would accept and let grow.
Boy4 cant read, write or speak correctly. I was always in a hurry. So, again, My Fault. I didn't stop and take the time to stop & listen to him when he had something to say. I didn't sit with him and help him read. I didn't sit with him and make him write.
BigMama's health is in the shitter. My Fault. My fault for working and pushing through the last 6 years. I have forced her to be here even when she should have been taking care of herself and now, now, she cant even move and I cant even help her get to the doctor/hospital/whatever to help her get better.
I have no one. No one to talk to. No one to listen to me cry & complain. No banter & bullshit. It sucks.
It's come to this. So much suckiness.
Anyhoo...onward and upward.
